Why?

/ Jodi

sunny-sky-february-19-2017-mars-pa

Why do I feel the most sad
when it is the brightest most beautiful day?
Some time has passed and life goes on,
but why does my heart not feel better?

Why does the sound that I used to love
of the trains blowing their horns in the distance and echoing through the hills
haunt me so much
that I sometimes want to scream “Shut Up!”

Why do the melodious wind chimes
that sing in the breeze
make me so sad and sometimes mad
that I had to put them away for a while.

Why did you have to take your life
on the day we used to celebrate
the life of another so dear to us
whose life was also ended too soon?

Why – on a most beautiful day in February – the month of your birth,
when it should be cold and snowy and blustery,
did I sit in the sunshine… in bare feet… and short sleeves…
and mourn this beautiful gift you were missing that I know you would have loved?

Why did we often let long periods of time pass
when we didn’t see each other or talk
when I knew you were there and that you loved me,
and I know you knew I loved you too?

But now you are gone,
and now I think of you every day,
and I miss you every day…
and I wish things could be different.

With love always from your sister,
Jodi

Friends – I usually try to keep my blog upbeat and encouraging, but I really felt the need to share that even in the best of days and times and all the blessings in life, there are still times of grief and sadness.  We can’t ignore it.  Grief is something we all must face when we love.  When we love someone and lose them, it hurts deeply.  But it is still worth it to love and bear the hurt, for what would life be like without the love?  To grieve means you have loved.  And to love and lose is far greater than to have never loved at all.

I also want to thank a dear friend, who somehow always seems to know the right time and right thing to say.   This dear friend – out of the blue and from far away – sent me a text telling me he was thinking of me and my brother when he heard a song, and he thought I should listen to it as it could be my brother’s parting song.  If you care to listen, this is the song he recommended to me: “Go Rest High On That Mountain“

84 thoughts on “Why?”

  1. I’m sorry, grief is difficult. It can hit all of the sudden sometimes, some memory creeps up on you. I was sitting in a waiting room a few months ago and a song came on over the speaker, it reminded of my daughter’s best friend who passed last May at 17. She wrote lyrics to a song on a white board in our basement, and I sat there with tears streaming down my face. Another time as I was driving to work, another song came on that brought the memory of Sierra and Lauryn doing a dance on a camping trip, the campground held a talent show, they spend hours making up a dance routine.
    Hopefully time will help.

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    • Paula – this is you, Paula – right? I remember you posting some things about Lauryn last year. What did she die from, Paula, and how is Sierra? The whole first year of so many firsts is so difficult. I hope you all are well. It was so kind of you to comment. I think of you so often and with much love. Hope you can come visit again soon next time you are in town. Sending love! xo

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  6. Oh Jodi, sometimes there are no words! ((((HUGS))) to you my friend. The poem is sad but lovely, for you spoke your heart. I have been told that speaking from the heart, is a good thing to do. Let others see in, so that we can be there to help lift you up. Love ya my friend and I have always liked that song you posted to! So nice of your friend to send it to you.
    You are in my thoughts and prayers!

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  9. Such a beautiful song that brought tears to my eyes. I wrap my arms around you to comfort you and to comfort me. There really is no answer to the Why. We would like to bring them back and wrap our arms around them and tell them, “It’s going to be alright. Don’t give up.” If only we could. ((HUG))

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  13. A beautiful and sensitive Post Jodi. Sadly, it appears to be in our nature (especially when younger) to treat life as if it will go on forever. There will always be a tomorrow but, one day………. there won’t be. Now is an excellent time to tell people you love them; you appreciate them as friends; you are there for them as necessary…. or whatever message of affirmation is appropriate. Now is a good time to tell those people how important they are to you; how your life is richer simply by them being a part of it.
    There is no better time than “now”…. because “later”, it may simply not be possible.

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    • You are right Colin. I rarely end a conversation or meeting with a friend without a hug and an “I love you.” I always think – what if it is the last time I see or talk to them – I want that to be the last thing i said to them. It was the last thing I said to my brother. And he said it back. ❤

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  14. There is so much truth and power in your thoughtfully chosen words, dear Jodi. I think of you so often. Thank you for keeping it real and sharing with all of us. Sending extra hugs today! ♡

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    • thank you so much Dawn. It actually all came to me in the shower late yesterday afternoon after relaxing on the deck in the sunshine. The words just poured, and I recorded them quickly into my iPhone so I would not forget for later to type. I also wanted to re-look at later and see if I really wanted to say them, and I decided to. Appreciate your kindness and hugs.

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  16. I’m sorry, Jodi but I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes the most beautiful of days bring out the melancholy in me for the reasons you describe so beautifully. The feeling of loss and grief always remains when we love. It may come out on a beautiful day, a song or a memory. But it’s always there, deep in our hearts.
    God Bless.

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    • Thank you for understanding, George. It helps! BTW – I started reading A Man Called Ove – coincidentally. I recall you loved it and had ordered it a while back. I was really getting a kick out of it until I got to Chapter 15 – A Delayed Train…. And my heart sank. I’m skipping this chapter. Should I go on, or is this book not the best for me at this time of my life with recent loss to suicide? I didn’t realize that was what it was about. It’s kind of intriguing however, how he keeps being saved from it. Will I be upset with the ending????

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      • It is quite a sweet book. I’m about 2/3 in now – skipped Chapter 15. My brother was a bit like Ove – which is strange – he was very black and white – very practical – against modern contraptions – like computers – lol! It’s nice to smile about it.

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      • It is a sweet book and it really speaks about people and how we really don’t know what’s going on in their lives and how understanding can help save another’s life. It’s not a literary masterpiece but it explains a little of the human mind and spirit. I feel bad for suggesting it knowing what happened to your brother and I never would have if I had known. But I’m glad you see your brother in his character a bit and can smile about it…:) Lord knows we can all use a smile..:)

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  21. I think you hit the nail on the head about wishing your brother was alive to witness the beauty, warmth, and sunshine on that glorious day. There will always be a hole in your heart, and while the hole may be huge and gaping right now, it does shrink down over the years. But it never goes away, because that is the reminder of your love for him. God Bless You Jodi, and your family.

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  25. I love that you can share your sadness and emotional state in such a lovely way. It helps me to think about my own inconceivable loss in a way that isn’t as unsettling as it used to be. Though my son would be 23 today and so many years have passed since his untimely death as a small child, the thoughts of what might have been can pull at me. Can still cause my eyes to tear, my heart to feel tight in my shest. Even on such a beautiful day as this. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, your pain and your talent. Much love to you…

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    • Oh Mark! I don’t think I knew you lost a young son. I cannot even imagine! That would be so so so difficult. I don’t think there is anything more difficult. I’m SOO Sorry!! Someday I hope we can talk more and you can share all about your beautiful boy with me. Sending love and hugs!!! ❤

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  27. I read this through tears. Yes sometimes we have to acknowledge the sadness and let it be part of us so that we can remember and then let go. It’s always there but somehow time eases the pain. A heartfelt touching post that I felt deeply. Sending you prayers and loving thoughts.

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  28. Oh Jodi, Grief can hit you at the most unexpected times. I lost my youngest son in an accident 12 years ago and I still never know when I’m going to cry…friends understand and want to listen…my heart breaks for you. I lost my oldest sister 3 weeks ago, and even though she had a long battle with a terminal illness, and now is at peace, I have been crying at the thought of her every day. You are so right, love is always worth the pain…
    Jenna

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    • Oh Jenna. So sorry for the loss of your sister. And I had no idea you lost a son! That is one tragedy I don’t know how people survive. But I know those who have and I admire them so. Sadly I know several who have lost their own children and that is something that just has to be the worst grief of all. I’m so sorry Jenna. But love IS worth it.

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  29. Hi Jodi, it is never easy to lose someone you love. I wish I could say the right words to help you and yet I think there aren’t any right words when we are grieving. Yet please know that I am thinking of you and sending love to you and hope. Hope knowing that in time the pain will lesson. May you find comfort in the care of so many who love you. Please keep being REAL as it is what makes you, you! Bear hugs! 🐻💕xo

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  32. Oh, Jodi, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Suicide makes the grieving process even harder than usual, because it leaves so many questions and even anger. Your poem was a touching and heartfelt expression of your feelings, and I’m glad you wrote it. I know you want your blog to be positive, and it is, but I think expressing your grief and sorrow is a good thing. It allows you to be honest about what you are feeling, it allows your readers to express their compassion for you, and it allows all of us to see that when the hard times come, it’s okay to be sad and it’s okay to let others know, and most of all, it’s important to comfort each other as best we can. It’s what life is all about, I think.

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