Eyes Wide Open.
We must keep our eyes wide open.
Sometimes we will see good and happy and beautiful things.
Other times we will see horrific, sad, disgraceful, reprehensible things.
Blinders don’t change the truth.
The only way to change
the things we don’t want to see
is by keeping our eyes wide open,
so we can face what needs changed.
Hugs,
Jodi
Grieving for the victims and seeking justice: https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/14/us/pennsylvania-catholic-church-grand-jury/index.html
Foggy Morning – Mars, PA – June 2018What is the answer?
What are the questions?
Why is it happening?
What can we do?
The recent suicides of two very famous people last week – Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain – have brought back a lot of memories for me and have had me thinking a lot.
Those of you who have been around here for a while may recall I lost my brother to suicide a year and a half ago. He took his life two days after Christmas on December 27, 2016 by stepping in front of a train. He left a note stating “no Clarence for me.”
There are moments – some clumped together in periods longer than others – that I dwell in the sorrow.
I want to have some magical answer…. some greatly insightful advice.
I don’t want to just talk about it. I don’t want to just be sad. I want to declare the solution. I want to shout out the answer. I want to rid the world of this grief.
But I can’t find it.
Except to say let’s love one another.
Let’s be there for one another.
Let’s hug.
Let’s listen.
Let’s support each other.
Let’s hold each other up… allow others to lean on us, and allow ourselves to lean on others.
Let’s embrace our humanity.
Let’s accept each other.
Let’s accept ourselves.
Let’s belong to each other and to this world.
We are each here for a purpose.
Let us seek and declare and own that.
You are loved.
Keep on keepin’ on.
Love,
Jodi
Kathy’s Bluebird in Watercolor – 11×14 140 lb cold press
Kathy’s Bluebird in Watercolor.
I finally remembered to post a bird painting on the right day for Draw a Bird Day which a gang of friendly, artistic bloggers celebrates of the 8th of every month (when we remember!).
Kathy, who blogs at Backyard Bird Nerd, always supplies us with plenty of great inspiration with her bird photography. She recently captured a photo of an Eastern Bluebird that caught my eye and inspired this very loose interpretation. I used her bird as a model, but had fun splashing it up in the loose style I love to do. I took some artistic license in changing the piece of wood to a twig, adding the tail feathers that were hidden in her photo, making it a bit more of a summery, green scene instead of winter, and having some fun with color. Awww – the beauty and freedom of art!
Cheers & Hugs,
Jodi
This bluebird painting is dedicated to the memory of my brother, Johnny, whose birthday would have been today. RIP John P. Towle – February 8, 1964 – December 27, 2016. You remain in my heart always.
This painting (original, prints, and cards) is available at McKinneyX2Designs as well as Berry Vine Gifts.
Daniel Smith watercolors used: Cerulean Blue, Indigo, New Gamboge, Cadmium Orange, Olive Green, Perylene Green, Alizarin Crimson, Burnt Umber.
Today is a very special Anniversary… A day that brings back floods of memories… floods of emotions…. reflections on time missed… but celebration of time and love shared… from here on…
You see – Today is a Father-Daughter Anniversary. Today is the 4 year anniversary of my reunion with my Dad (my “birth father”).
And I thought it deserved a special anniversary card to send to Dad to help us cherish the day.
So you might think that sounds a bit odd…. Father and Daughter Anniversary???
Well – I’m going to share a kinda big chunk and pretty personal part of my heart today. So – if you’re not into that or not interested, you may just want to skip this blog.
So here goes…
On July 17, 2010, I was reunited with my Dad (my “birth father” Dad so as not to be confused with another great man in my life that I also call Dad – I know – a bit confusing – and on top of that both of their names are John!).
It was a day neither of us will ever forget.
The reason(s) for our separation for 39 years is really not the point or purpose of this story, nor do I feel appropriate to share, but the joy in our reunion is the focus here…. And oh what JOY we have shared.
For our second Christmas together again in 2012, I presented Dad with a book I wrote for him.
I called it, “The Journey Back to Daddy’s Girl.” The book is a celebration of our initial exchange of emails leading up to our reunion that covers the course of only a few short weeks, but close to 70 pages of exchanges. It chronicles how we discovered each other again – an adult daughter close to 50 years old – and an even more adult father – close to 70 years old who last saw each other when the little girl was 9 years old and the Daddy was just barely past 30.
We (well mostly I) asked each other questions (sometimes difficult ones) and our exchanges evolved from closings with “John (BF)” to “Love you, Dad”s.
Let me share the “Introduction” with you here.
———-
“Once upon a time, there was a little girl. Jodi had a Mom and a Dad and a little brother.
Life was good, until one day when Daddy left. Then Jodi just got to visit with Daddy on the weekends, until a day came when Mom introduced Jodi and her brother to a new Dad, and told her she would not be seeing her other Daddy any more.
Jodi lived a good life. Her new Dad and Mom took good care of her and her brother and her new baby sister, but Jodi always felt something was missing.
She thought of her first Dad throughout her life.
She dreamed of bumping into him on the street… their eyes would lock, and they would immediately recognize each other. Dad would tell her he loved her and missed her and was so proud of the woman she had become…..
Sometimes dreams do come true…”
———-
Marty (for those new here – the hubster), was instrumental in helping me find my Dad.
It is so much more incredibly easier than imaginable with the internet and people search software these days.
Marty has known for years – probably before I even realized – that there was a part of me missing – that there were unanswered questions – that there was a dad out there that I needed – and who needed me. He has asked me over the years about it – ever since we started dating when I was a mere 16 year old high school girl and he was a “mature” 20-year old “man.” (That story is a whole blog post for another day). When Marty realized my yearning had grown so strong, and my need was so great, he was the one that took the step to reach out for me, and the resulting reply is etched in my mind and on my heart forever:
“Hi Jodi – Yes. I am your “Birth Father.” It was an answer to prayer hearing from you. I hope that you and John are both fine. To this day, I regret the worst decision I have ever made. I was talked into doing something, but I had my own mind. At the time, I thought I was doing the best thing for your two. Can you ever forgive me?”
And so began my Journey back to Daddy’s Girl.
And now we celebrate four wonderful years of being a reunited father and daughter, which began on July 17, 2010 when my Dad showed up to my house with a huge bouquet of flowers, a face that looked exactly like mine (and resembles Tom Jones I think only to me 🙂 ), immediately telling me he loved me, and he missed me, that I was beautiful (only to him I’m sure 🙂 ),and he was so proud of me. You see – he wanted to fulfill my dream… He wanted our reunion to be the wonderful event I had dreamed about over the years…
We both cried – happy and sad tears. And we have talked almost every day since then. We’ve spent birthdays and holidays and Father’s days together. He was with me at our son Jake’s wedding. He loves my family as his own. His family has embraced me as their own. They have always known about me, and they welcomed me with open arms.
I will never forget the first time I met my Dad’s wife, Carole (aka Mom 2). The first thing she said to me was, “Your Dad always promised me a daughter, and now I have one. We’ve been praying for you for a long time.”
The epilogue of my book closes with:
———-
And so it began …….
With a simple email …
A journey back to Daddy’s girl.
And now, two and a half years later …
… we write each other almost every day
… and talk every weekday morning at 7:05
We’ve spent Father’s days together and holidays and birthdays and are part of each other’s lives again.
Our families love each other and we love each other.
‘What a Difference You’ve Made in My Life’
Dreams do come true!
this is not THE END.”
———-
Father & Daughter Reunion Day – July 17, 2010
I hope this message will encourage those adult children who were separated from birth parents – at whatever age (birth, childhood, teenager, young adult) – for whatever reason – to reach out and try if it is something that has yanked on and ached in your heart for years.
Maybe your ending will not turn out as good as mine did (and of course there is much more to our story than I’ve shared here so far) , but can anything hurt more than the emptiness and not-knowing that you feel every day? Could the potential rejection be any worse than what you have imagined or decided or dealt with for years in your heart?
Love is worth the risk. It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Closure or resolution or answers to decades of unanswered questions can let you sleep at night… can bring you peace… can make you right with yourself! I’m certainly not an educated or trained professional in this area, but I can only speak of my own personal experience.
I wish you joy. I wish you peace. I wish you resolution. I wish you wholeness of heart – no matter the ending. YOU are worth it. YOU are here for a reason. YOU are loved.
Happy 4 year “Anniversary” Dad! I love you, and I cherish you! (And I’ve been listening to “our song” again this week. I’m betting you will too.) ❤ “What a Difference You’ve Made in My Life!”
Cheers and Hugs,
Jodi
10 Months Ago Today.
I crossed the railroad tracks today,
like I do so many days.
And I realized, after the fact,
that for the first time in 10 months
I didn’t get a lump in my throat…
I didn’t hold my breath…
I didn’t think of you
and the decision you made
10 months ago today.
It caught me off guard…
Made me both happy and sad.
Only 10 months ago
you were still here…
barely hanging on…
but still there was hope.
10 months later
there is no more hope
and the memory is beginning
to fade.
I want to be happy,
yet that makes me sad.
10 months ago today
you took your life away.
Rest in peace dear brother.
Rest in peace.
Love,
Jodi
WhY?
Who What When
Where Why?
So many questions
So few answers
????
Don’t lose hope
Keep the faith
See the light
Be the light
Be the good why
Be the good who
Embrace the good why
Embrace the good who
We may never
know all
the
whYs
but we can
still
Be!
Hugs,
Jodi
Why do I feel the most sad
when it is the brightest most beautiful day?
Some time has passed and life goes on,
but why does my heart not feel better?
Why does the sound that I used to love
of the trains blowing their horns in the distance and echoing through the hills
haunt me so much
that I sometimes want to scream “Shut Up!”
Why do the melodious wind chimes
that sing in the breeze
make me so sad and sometimes mad
that I had to put them away for a while.
Why did you have to take your life
on the day we used to celebrate
the life of another so dear to us
whose life was also ended too soon?
Why – on a most beautiful day in February – the month of your birth,
when it should be cold and snowy and blustery,
did I sit in the sunshine… in bare feet… and short sleeves…
and mourn this beautiful gift you were missing that I know you would have loved?
Why did we often let long periods of time pass
when we didn’t see each other or talk
when I knew you were there and that you loved me,
and I know you knew I loved you too?
But now you are gone,
and now I think of you every day,
and I miss you every day…
and I wish things could be different.
With love always from your sister,
Jodi
Friends – I usually try to keep my blog upbeat and encouraging, but I really felt the need to share that even in the best of days and times and all the blessings in life, there are still times of grief and sadness. We can’t ignore it. Grief is something we all must face when we love. When we love someone and lose them, it hurts deeply. But it is still worth it to love and bear the hurt, for what would life be like without the love? To grieve means you have loved. And to love and lose is far greater than to have never loved at all.
I also want to thank a dear friend, who somehow always seems to know the right time and right thing to say. This dear friend – out of the blue and from far away – sent me a text telling me he was thinking of me and my brother when he heard a song, and he thought I should listen to it as it could be my brother’s parting song. If you care to listen, this is the song he recommended to me: “Go Rest High On That Mountain“
JPT 2/8/64 – 12/27/16
You could have
been 53 years old today.
You could have
been anything you wanted to be.
You could have
been a father, husband, brother, uncle, son, friend.
You could have
watched that train go by.
You could have
fought it.
You could have
lived and loved and been loved.
But you had other plans.
You gave up.
You chose not to be
53 or anything you wanted to be.
You chose not to be
a father, husband, brother, uncle, son, friend.
You chose not to
watch the train go by.
You chose not to
fight or live or love or be loved.
I hope with all of my heart
and every fiber of my being
that your plan
brought you peace.
In loving memory on your birthday and every day,
Your sister,
Jodi
Comfort Candle Bereavement Gift
It only takes a spark
to get a fire going.
Create a spark today.
Be the spark today.
Cheers & Hugs,
Jodi
(PS – thank you JH for the beautiful comfort candle bereavement gift – it touched my heart – you lit a spark)
Today I will choose to be kind –
most especially and intentionally to those who are not.
I will remember how precious and fragile life is –
and seek to cherish the moments.
We may not remember days or weeks or months,
but we remember moments.
And life is made up of moments –
ones that bring joy…
And others that bring grief
and sadness and loss.
I will cherish those moments too
and allow myself to feel them.
For a heart that cannot grieve or feel sadness or loss
cannot also feel the fullness of joy and love and hope.
Today, and every day, I will seek to choose to be kind,
and I will also embrace the kindness of others.
For every moment
is what makes up a life.
Cheers & Hugs,
Jodi
the creative life in between 