10 Months Ago Today…

10 Months Ago Today.

I crossed the railroad tracks today,
like I do so many days.

And I realized, after the fact,
that for the first time in 10 months

I didn’t get a lump in my throat…
I didn’t hold my breath…

I didn’t think of you
and the decision you made

10 months ago today.

It caught me off guard…
Made me both happy and sad.

Only 10 months ago
you were still here…

barely hanging on…
but still there was hope.

10 months later
there is no more hope

and the memory is beginning
to fade.

I want to be happy,
yet that makes me sad.

10 months ago today
you took your life away.

Rest in peace dear brother.
Rest in peace.

Love,
Jodi

88 thoughts on “10 Months Ago Today…

  1. The song says that suicide is painless and I hope it is an end to pain for the person that takes that choice but tragically the legacy that is left behind is one of never really being able to come to terms with the loss. I skipped to the link and read your poignant words – I have not liked it because it feels wrong. Today’s poem is heartrending. I send you love, my friend. I send you love. X

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      • All I meant is that I didn’t press the β€˜like’ button on the piece wrote in February. Nothing more. Jodi – my son took his life so i am sorry if I make no sense … I try to but I fail miserably

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      • Oh dear Osyth……….I am so so so sorry! I cannot even imagine how devastating that must have been. You do not fail miserably at all. I just didn’t understand, but….. now that I know this, my heart just aches for you. I am so sorry if this post was hard for you. Oh Osyth. My heart is broken for you. I think that must be the must difficult thing to bear ever. I am so proud of you for the way you have continued on and add so much joy and love to the world and to so many others – including me! Sending the tightest virtual hugs possible. I wish I had better words to express my sincere sympathy……… ❀ ❀ ❀

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      • Jodi, dear Jodi, you didn’t know. It’s been 11 years now and it doesn’t get better it just has a place where it sits acceptably. Actually Matthew was not my son by birth, for clarity, but he was my boy. His was a tragic early start in life and I will always feel that I failed. He would be 27 now. That’s the thing with suicide. You are always left feeling β€˜if only’ however futile you know that sentiment is. For me, the only way is to continue to believe that love is enough and to try and always take the time to be kind and generous with whatever I have to give. That is how I honour Matthew who was the sweetest, kindest most generous of spirits who in the end was just too fragile for this world. But you know something? He is there in every breath I take, every beat of my heart and I know I will see him again one day. I just know. I send you so much love and such heartfelt thanks for the generosity of your

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  2. Treasure the memories Jodi. Feeling that there is no purpose to life is such a sad state of mind, but you can at least keep him alive with happy memories, and I think that he would be pleased knowing that you have such happy memories of his relatively short time here. Take care.

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  3. I have always believed that people are brought in to our lives for a reason and for a while now I had been trying to figure out why God brought you in to my life and why God brought me in to your life. After I read this post now I know. In April my only sibling, my baby brother, killed himself after a miserable battle with ulerative colitis and depression/anxiety. It is still so fresh for me and I have just begun the grieving process. It is like a horrible roller coaster ride of emotions. But I know you understand this. I have been suffering with this grief in silence because if I talk about it around my family I get shamed and there is still such an awful stigma about suicide that you can’t just talk about it with just anyone. I believed we had a lot of things in common, we both love to cook and be creative, but now that I know that we both have this in common that takes it to a whole new level and links us in a very strong and profound way. Sweet Jodie, please know that I feel that pain that you have felt. I am here to talk if you need it. You can get my contact information from my profile. Take care of yourself sweet friend. I love your poem by the way. Love knowing it will get easier.

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    • Oh Tammy! I’m so sorry for your loss and grief. I’m also sorry your family won’t talk about but everyone grieves differently And I am sorry they feel shame. That should not be but I know it is. Sending hugs and letting you know it eventually gets easier. It still hurts and is still a huge loss but time heals and helps us remember the better times. Take care of yourself and allow yourself to grieve. And don’t be ashamed. Xoxo

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  4. 10 months isn’t a long time. But the acuteness of the ache must fade. That ache represents a moment in time. Not your brother’s memory or his life with you. Your poem though…A sweet remembrance.

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  5. I understand your feeling of loss, dear Jodi. ❀️ It is hard to understand the why’s that people we love do the things they do… and it is hard to understand life sometimes. Sending love and hugs to you today! 😘xo

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  6. To dear, sweet Jodi : “There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go”- author unknown. These words were sent to me during a period of my life very much like your own. Sometimes, we are left with too many questions and not enough answers. Sometimes, they just aren’t the answers that we might want but the only ones we get. Love and smeary kisses from Benjamin and Gem.

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    • Oh Ellen – I am so sorry to learn you had a similar experience….. I can feel your understanding and compassion, and I am so grateful. And I am also so sorry for whatever it was that you went through. Life can be so challenging…. But it is so worth loving anyway. It is so worth experiencing and cherishing the joy we have. Like your sweet Benjamin and my sweet granddaughter. And there are so many more. I try to focus most of the time on that, but here are just times…….. as well all have….. that just level us. It’s okay…. It means we have felt real love. For to feel great grief and loss – means we had the joy of great love. And its worth it. Hugs to you and Benjamin and your family. ❀

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  7. I’m so sorry, Jodi! I think your words reflect what so many family and friends of people who took their own life feel. It is just so hard, any way you look at it. I hope you are feeling surrounded by the love of family and friends right now…..Thinking of you, my friend!!!

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  8. I babysat a young man from age 8 to age 11, his mother had died of cancer. I wrote a tribute to him (Benjamin) since he went out of a nasty situation in the lunch room in the H.S. and walked across the football field and into a train. He had been being bullied for awhile. . . I hope our world develops kindness and no more derision. Teenagrs already have a rough road to walk. . . πŸ’ž

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  9. Jodi, I think your words will be a perfect remedy to ease the pain and so sorry that you had such a big loss to endure. Hope you have had more good memories than sad. It is hard to be in their shoes and truly understand what was going on in their lives. . . xo πŸ’– πŸ•Š

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  10. Jodi, i’m so sas to hear about this tragedy in your family. I had no idea about this. I know it is tough to make sense of it all, but I know that you loved your brother unconditionally and that you really did all you could. I know you think back and wonder what yoiu could of said or done back then which may have prevented this. Sometimes things are just out of our hands and hard to figure out why. Just contnue to remember you brother and know his spirit remains with you in your heart and he is now at peace with God who continuesues to lovr him. Luv Gary

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  11. Jodi, obviously his passing is still painful for you, but time can’t erase the good memories you have of him, nor should it. The real sadness comes in the knowledge that there will be no new memories. So hold tight to those moments of him that can still bring a smile to your face, because those are the keepers. Thinking of you.

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